Any One Thing

There are many difficult things about being a parent. I explored this briefly in a previous post titled, Love, Pain and the Possibility. The ache in your heart that comes as a parent when you are witness to the pain your child experiences. Whether that be from falling off a bike, being teased at school or some other superficial reason.

Then there is the pain that is caused by the very person a child should never feel pain from...a parent. If there is any one thing, one person, one relationship a child should be able to count on in this world, it is the relationship, the love of their parent.

However, this is not always the reality.

Recently Noah was riding in the back seat of his Godmother's car and playing with a Magic 8 ball. He asked the ball, "Will I see my Daddy Mark anytime soon"?

Reading the reply, Noah sighs, "Nope". And then, as if confirming the answer wasn't a surprise, he says, "Yup."

My heart broke into a tiny million pieces when I heard about this...for about the hundredth time. Every time I think about the pain Noah may be feeling or will feel, my heart shatters again. How does one explain to a child that their parent makes a choice such as this? How does one explain the reason that one parent doesn't even call, with the exception of an occasional holiday? And how can I love him enough to make up for what he's lacking on the other side.

I can't. And that kills me.

At this point, Noah hasn't asked too many questions. He seems to just accept things as they are. I would think that he hurts at times. I would think he questions at times. I would think that he is angry at times. Yet, there he is...just asking the Magic 8 Ball and sighing. No tears. No tantrums.

I know that one day he will ask more questions. I know that one day he will feel more pain. I know that one day he will be more angry.

And I will be there. And I will love him.

I know that one day, he will understand his pain. I know that one day he will move forward. I know that one day he will use his experience to help someone else.

And I will be there. And I will love him.

Because it is my day to understand my pain. It is my day that I've moved forward. And it is my experience that I will use to help him.